I Need More Buttons To Push

There are five buttons I wished I had installed on my car's dash.

#1: The Block All Cell Phone Reception in a 1/2-mile Radius Button. That'd get the idiot in front of me to shut up and drive. And, don't tell me we don't already have this technology. The government won't tell you about it. They got it from the UFO that crashed into Area 51. (The aliens had been flying while texting.)

#2: The Alien Detector. Then, I know to which cars to follow so I can pull the alien driver over and ask for some of that secret technology.

#3: The Cut the Tailgater's Gas Button. You know the car you see speeding up behind you at 80+ mph, then hangs on your bumper? This button sends a signal to the jerk's car's computer to automatically slow it to 40mph. Oh, yeah. This technology exists, too. Ask the aliens that work at OnStar.

#4: The Pardon Me, I'm Late For Work Button. This would send a radio signal to the car ahead of you who is driving 10mph under the limit. Their car radio would then tell the driver, "Please move to the right lane so the car behind you may pass." This technology exists, too. Aliens tried selling this to the police and paramedics a couple years back.

#5: The Sandwich Button: 'Cause, sometimes while driving, I could really use a fresh veggie sandwich, with a little dressing, maybe some provolone... Drive-thrus just don't cut it. They never have good food, and they take too long. Shoot, I was in a Dairy Queen drive-thru for 45 minutes. And, not for a nice sandwich.